How to Get Discharged Early

Eat something from the breakfast tray the nurse brings
because she probably read about the eating disorder
in your file. The scrambled-to-shit eggs should be
the safest bet.

Ask to use the bathroom at least twice every hour.
The nurse has to stand outside the door every time,
and this is tedious. You are high-maintenance—you
want this to come across.

Answer the condescending psychiatrist’s questions
with a balance of reverence and contrition. This will
be painful, but do it anyway. He is there to test
your patience.

When he finally asks you (he will always ask
you) if you would make the same choice again,
hang your head and say the right answer
even though there is none.