You’ve read about me, and no story is untrue.
My balls are as big as navel oranges,
my guts steel-bright banjo strings.
Drunk, Machete-Wielding Florida Man Chases Neighbor
on Lawnmower. Florida Man Tries to Torch Boat
I tread the Gulf of Mexico in Jesus’s Chacos.
In beer and public office, I am outstanding.
Florida Man Drinks Goat Blood
in Ritual Sacrifice, Runs for Senate.
My love is a newspaper headline. She tells me who I am,
what I have done, recounts every ghoulish story
with a back as straight as an advice column.
Florida Man Kills Girlfriend with Sword,
Runs Her Over in Pickup Truck.
My kink is her mercilessness, the way she leaves me
scraped by whispers, flashes my deeds
in the glass of every eye, steals my name and ties me to a place,
Florida Man Kisses Bird of Prey,
Loses Part of Lip.